Battles

I have been fighting all month. Fighting the pain, fighting against everything that gets thrown my way. I’ve been taking my medication as the doctors tell me to. I hate it. I hate having to take fifteen different medications, but I trust that they make me better. I smile. I smile so that no one can see how much pain I am in constantly. The pain pills help to numb out the world, but they don’t cure me. It’s been a month. It’s been one hell of a month, but I am still a fighter. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I look back at pictures when I was sixteen or seventeen and I want to tell myself that I am worth it. When I have to lift my shirt up to show doctors my scars, to show doctors how damaged I am, to remind me that things were taken from my body, I am both a mixture of anger and pride. Anger that I won’t be able to have the “normal” things in life that some people do, but proud that I am a fighter. Proud that I have come this far. It’s been almost five years to the date that I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease.

These five years haven’t been easy by any means, but I am not giving up. No matter what it takes. This last month has been the hardest month I have experienced from my Crohn’s in a very long time. I finally feel like I am on the downslope of this flare. Every day isn’t perfect, but there is room for growth in every day. I want each day to count. I don’t want to be looking at the end of my life and being disappointed in all the things I didn’t do. Instead, I want to think fondly of how I spent my life.

They say you don’t realize how valuable your life is until you’ve experienced a life-threatening situation. I’ve experienced this about three times. Some days, I can be a spiteful person, a person who just wants to give up on the world and life in general. Some days, my apathy is stronger than any emotion. And days like this, days like this I am grateful for all that I have and all that I will become.

There is always someone out there who has it worse than you. I hate it when people tell me this. No single person is feeling exactly how you do at this moment. Be it joy, be it anger, be it fear, be it love, all these emotions were given to us for a reason. Don’t shut them out. Embrace them. Talk to someone. Tell someone how much you love them today because you don’t know if today is your last day to tell them that or if it’s their last day to hear it from you.

Make each moment count.

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